A New Normal

After admitting Thomas to Andrus things were not the same at home as one could well imagine.  I know I missed him.  I didn’t miss his behavior but I missed him. I missed Thomas being in my house, I missed my son. I know Tommy was going through his own grieving and missing Thomas. I don’t remember us talking much about how we felt at least not to each other, it was too hard. We knew why the other was in a “mood” or quiet or grumpy. We tried so hard not to take it out on each other and give the other space until we were able to talk this out. We knew all we had was each other, I was the only one in his world who knew how he felt and he was the only person in my world who knew how I felt. That’s not to say we didn’t get snippy here and there, please…no one is perfect.

The girls settled in to the new quiet house rather seamlessly. Funny how we went from constant state of chaos and not knowing when the next outburst would come to this dare I say, “typical” and predictable household. Yes the girls fought and bickered but it was so textbook, they were doing what they were supposed to do, not witnessing their brother be out of control.

I remember feeling like a fraud when I went out with Alyssa and Daniella. Like I was incomplete or missing something because Thomas wasn’t with us. Don’t get me wrong outings such as going to the zoo, shopping, even a trip to the corner store were now a heck of a lot easier. It felt odd though, like I was playing “pretend” in a life I was presenting to the public that was not the truth. I had 3 children not 2! So many times I wanted to yell, I also have a son! When people would see the girls and I out together and smile. I felt like a liar.

Andrus had rules for visits. I can’t remember exactely but I think it was no home visits for a month or so to encourage Thomas to acclimate to Andrus. I think my son is amazing and truely gifted by God in resilience. He allowed us to leave when he was admitted to Andrus. Plenty of tears mind you but he didn’t physically cling to us or scream or make it harder than it had to be on him or us. He also acclimated to Andrus in a remarkable way, he stepped right into the routine and loved wearing a uniform to school (Andrus is a private school that accepts payment from the NYC Bd. of Ed.). I was and still am in awe of this amazing gift my son possesses. I remember Thomas’ social worker, John and I discussing this. He too was impressed with Thomas’ ability to adapt.

John was a wonderful social worked, very open and honest. He was was a few years younger than Tommy and I, married with children. Somebody we could definitely relate to and he appreciated my blunt honesty. He was also a person with a positive attitude which to us was a breath of fresh air after all the hospitalizations and different doctors and frustrations we faced the whole year prior. I didn’t recognize before writing this that John was placed in our life by God. There’s no way our pairing was a coincidence or by chance. It was orchestrated and intentional by Him.

Honestly I am amazed and humbled at how The Lord was with us even though I didn’t ask Him to be. The Father’s love doesn’t have to be asked for, it just is.

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