At first I wasn’t going to write about our life the month or so after Thomas went to live at Andrus. I figured I’d skip a few months but if I did that it wouldn’t be right and I would be lying by omission about my life. And this blog is about my life so what is the point in lying? Who am I lying to? Myself I would wager. I would be back to living a lie by omitting important events.
Thomas entered Andrus the beginning of September, 2004. At the very end of that September I found out I was pregnant. OhMyGosh! No, it was not planned. Talk about timing. The funny thing is that even through the roughest times with Thomas I still said I’d have another if people asked. They did ask, usually in a wise ass manner, “So…are you guys done?” When I gave my reply they usually became quiet and looked at me sideways. Whatever.
Tommy looked a little shell shocked when I broke the news. When the dust settled we figured at least this would be a happy ending to an incredibly crappy year. Maybe this news and event and growing life could salvage some part of 2004? I think by the time I was 8 weeks along we told the girls, they were so excited. We also began telling friends and family as well. This was my fourth pregnancy so why wouldn’t we tell? My due date was June 19,2005 which was Father’s Day. I thought that was really sweet since my last 3 were all born on their due date (really!).
In my experience, when you find out you’re pregnant and it’s a very wanted pregnancy you’re already in love with that baby. You’re already holding him/her in your arms. Names flood your mind and you can’t help it nor do you want to stop it. You look at maternity clothes wondering when they will “fit” because your own clothes are getting tight and not fitting the way they’re supposed to. It is a fun, nervous, exciting time.
I was about 12 weeks along when I began bleeding. Red blood. Not a lot but enough to know this wasn’t supposed to be happening. With all 3 previous pregnancies I bled a little but it was earlier and turned out to be brown implantation bleeding. I called the midwife and she said to get a sonogram the next day. I wasn’t cramping or in any pain so I agreed. I called my best friend who lives here, Jenn and also my mother. Tommy worked late and when he arrived home I told him. My mom was to meet me at the sonogram office the next day. Tommy had to work. I had to bring Daniella who was 3 yrs old at the time.
Daniella and I arrived at the sonogram office, probably by 9:30-10am. My mom worked down the street so she met me there. Daniella was well behaved but for whatever reason wanted me to pick her up. I did pick her up and my mom scolded me saying I was already bleeding and having trouble, I shouldn’t be picking her up. How do you say no to your 3 yr old? I know my mom meant well.
Finally I was taken in for the sonogram. My mom stayed in the waiting area with Daniella. I saw right away there was no heartbeat and the baby was very small. I’d seen enough sonograms from my other children to know this poor little still creature inside me was not alive. My baby that I already fell in love with was not alive. I was stunned. How could this have happened? What did I do wrong? Was God mad at me? The sono tech was quiet and said I had to wait for the doctor to come in. Fine. Whatever. I already knew. I think it was a resident who came in and gently gave me the news.
I went to the waiting room to tell my mom. We stood there and didn’t know what to say or do. I remember calling Tommy on his cell phone, devastated. I think I called the midwife. I remember thinking there was no point in staying at the sono place so I told my mom I was going home. She was worried about me driving but how else was I to get home? I put Daniella in her car seat and came home. I really don’t remember much after that. Tommy came home from work early and took care of the kids while I stayed in our bedroom and watched television and cried. Television program after program I watched. Every now and then I would have a moment of forgetfulness but then everything came flooding back and then the tears flowed and flowed. I had never cried so much in my life ever.
My sweet friend Wendy from California called to give her condolences. Friends called to say how sorry they were. I was grateful for the outpouring of caring and sympathy.
After waiting for my body to complete the miscarriage on its own and learning it could take another week or more I opted for a D&C. That choice worked for me and I’m so grateful I had the option and the doctor who was referred was very compassionate. The date was November 19, 2004. The nurse who took care of me before the procedure was a woman I worked with years earlier. The nurse who cared for me afterwards was also one I used to work with. They are both stellar caregivers and treated me like glass.
There are no coincidences.