As you can imagine after the miscarriage, we were only too pleased to bid farewell to the year 2004. Weekend visits with Thomas went well, I don’t remember him hitting or showing aggressive behavior.
Thanksgiving went well and during that weekend is when we put up our Christmas tree and decorate it. Except I was still grieving and wasn’t in the most festive of moods. I was stringing the lights on the tree after testing each strand. When I plugged them all in together the middle strands wouldn’t light. I had enough! I took all the lights off the tree and threw them in the garbage. I announced tearfully, “If anyone wants me to put up a Christmas tree this year it HAS to be a pre-lit tree!” My sweet husband agreed and we drove to Sears and bought a pre-lit tree. At the time I didn’t realize I was still grieving and that the D & C had been done just 2 weeks prior.
When I think of my kids’ ages now and looking at Samantha (now 7 yrs old), I’m amazed at how fast time passes and I’m amazed at God’s grace.
When I was grieving I was so very angry at God. I couldn’t understand why he would even allow a woman to become pregnant if he were only going to end the pregnancy.
Years later, I now know God showed his grace by ending those pregnancies when he did. (I had another loss in June 2005). As textbook as this may sound there was most likely something very wrong with those pregnancies. I don’t need to contemplate the “what if’s”. I know had we been given another special needs child we would have done the best we could with the Lord’s help. But we weren’t and things turned out the way He wanted them to.
Samantha is the youngest of four children. She can be a challenge some days. God chose her to be with us the same way he chose Thomas, Alyssa and Daniella to be with Tommy and I.
Today I’m about as okay with the miscarriages as a woman can be. I grieved them both and healed. I have a beautiful family with exactly who is supposed to be here.