As I mentioned in previous posts living with an aggressive, teenage special needs son was taking it’s toll on me. I remember Thomas being aggressive to me in October 2012 and I felt a distinct “shift” of my mind. I also had a flashback to when Thomas 4 yrs old and how he used to hit me then too. It’s so hard to describe that “shift” but it was real. I felt as if I was “off” but couldn’t put my finger on how I was “off” or describe it to anyone. By November I remember my husband giving me a hug and me saying, “Nothing feels…right
By December Thomas was hospitalized again. I still had to do Christmas shopping and prepare for the upcoming holiday. I would have panic episodes in the mall while trying to think of gifts for family and friends. It all seemed impossible. The same Christmas shopping I had done by myself for the last 16 years felt like the most enormous, overwhelming task. I would call my husband on his cell to calm me down. He was wonderful and always knew what to say.
We also had to face the possibility that Thomas could be spending Christmas in the hospital, which meant we as his family would be spending it in the hospital with him. The beginning of December was also the time when our church performs a Live Nativity. I’m in the choir. I managed to perform with the choir, honestly I enjoyed it as singing about and celebrating our Lord’s birth was calming and I loved being around my choir friends to take my mind off my life.
For whatever reason our insurance company decided Thomas should be discharged it was at or around December 22. Tommy felt it was the work of God. That divine intervention had him discharged so he could spend Christmas with us and us with him, in our home. The social worker was definite that Thomas was spending the holiday in the hospital, so this news was a shock and surprise. I don’t like to admit this but I didn’t know how to feel. Like I said I was already “off”. To everyone I put on a happy face. But inside I felt nothing. At this time I hadz no idea what was going on with me. Christmas came and went I do remember it was nice, we spent Christmas Eve with Tommy’s family as usual and Christmas Day was spent with my family as usual.
By January I started feeling “less than”. Like I had wasted my life being a stay at home mom. I should have had a career, not spent my life staying home, I called myself every negative name in the book. It was horrible. One weekend I couldn’t contain it anymore and broke down. I went to bed. I never“go to bed” unless I’m physically ill, like the flu or something. But that one weekend I went to bed! And I cried and cried and thought the most negative things about myself. I felt like the most worthless, insignificant, unimportant person in this world. I have tears welling up remembering this. This is depression. This is what it does, it’s darkness that takes over and makes the light almost impossible to come through. I couldn’t stop crying and ranting, “THIS is what happens when you waste your life, THIS!!” I was referring to myself and how terrible I felt about myself. Tommy was so worried and had no idea what to do with me. I didn’t know what to do with me.