I was in the mall with our youngest, Samantha and I noticed a young man holding the arm of another young man. I looked again and noticed it was an outing of special needs young adults. Sometimes seeing this makes me sad. Not because the people are special needs, but because my special needs young adult goes on these outings without me.
Before everything fell apart when we changed medications (due to low white blood cell counts caused by one med), I had a picture and plan of what our lives would be like. It all seemed to be fitting into place. Thomas was in a great school, we both adored the staff, he was a part of great recreation programs and Thomas was on the waiting list for group homes once a space became available after he turned 18.
Don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful for the school Thomas attends now and I know we couldn’t continue to live the way we did any longer. I know all this logically. However logic and emotion usually don’t reside together, not in my mind anyway. It’s not all the time that I get sad, just here and there. I guess I feel sorry for myself and that sounds terrible, to me anyway. I don’t like pity parties. When I see these young adults I remember “the plan” and how it’s no longer viable. Then I remember that I was never in charge anyway. God is and He has his own plan. One I am not necessarily privy to. I have to trust in Him.
As much as I mourn the change of my plan, I do enjoy the quiet environment of my home these days. It’s not always “quiet”, there are 3 girls living here, one a teen and one a pre-teen. But it’s not chaotic either. And I’m not emotionally exhausted trying to keep everyone peaceful and myself safe. It’s kind of a sucky trade off to see my son turn into someone I would fear, but God will use this for his glory. I know he will.
There are some things I miss so much about when Thomas was stable on that particular medication. I will never forget one time, about 3 years ago, right before we had to stop the one medication. Thomas and I were in Manhattan to see his psychiatrist. Saks Fifth Avenue was a few blocks from the doctor’s office and my husband had just informed me I could purchase my dream handbag. There was a boutique in Saks. Thomas and I get there and he helped me pick out some bags to try on. The whole time asking me, “You gonna buy it Mom?”. Meanwhile I was overwhelmed and hyperventilating as I never in a million years saw myself buying this designer handbag. I went outside to call my husband and ask him if I could but it there at Saks without him present. It took a while to get him on the cell phone so Thomas and I walked to a find a pretzel vendor. Just as we found a pretzel guy, Tommy called back and said to get the bag, to open a Saks account as I didn’t have our major credit card with me. I told Thomas I was getting the bag and he practically ran back to Saks! I had to keep up with him, lol! Thomas was walking so fast saying “Excuse me, my Mom’s getting that bag!”. We arrive back at Saks and the salesman was so great to Thomas. He didn’t patronize him. Thomas pointed to the bag and confidently said, “That one, my mom’s buying it!”. Unfortunately I was unable to open a Saks account as I didn’t have my major credit card with me. Arrgghhhh!!!! I tried to explain that if I had the credit card I wouldn’t need to open the Saks account. They wouldn’t budge so I had to explain to Thomas that I didn’t have the right card but I will get the bag another time. I’m not sure who was more disappointed him or me.
About 2 weeks later I made my way to The Mall at Short Hills in NJ. Tommy couldn’t come as Samantha was sick. You know Thomas came with me, I had to have him come along to purchase “The Bag”. The whole experience wouldn’t have been the same without him