Yes I feel like writing but I don’t have a specific topic I’d like to cover. I notice I get more inspiration when I write about God. Why is that? I think I’m still on a spiritual high from singing with the choir yesterday, nervousness aside. I notice Mondays after we sing are usually quite sweet. I’m still singing the songs from the day before in my head. Singing His praises. What could be better than that? I’m no longer doubting if I am “enough”, it seem once I get things off my chest by writing this blog, the issue seems to resolve itself. Coincidence? No, since I don’t believe in coincidences only God’s plan.
I’m really looking forward to Easter service this year. It’s the first year I’ll be singing with the choir on Easter Sunday. In the past few years it was too complicated with the kids and/or Thomas. The songs that were chosen are just perfect and glorify our Lord in such a wonderful way.
What else do I have to say? I’m not sure. I know I’m in a good place today and the sun is shining and my family is healthy and God loves me. Jesus died for me. Today I read Romans 5:8 “…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Powerful.
Isaiah 55:9 spoke volumes to me today. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher that your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
I have on my phone for a screensaver 2Samuel 22:33 (KJV) “God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect” Isn’t that just the truth.
Today (Sunday) was choir day. I usually love choir days (at our church we typically sing 2 Sunday/month). But today I was so nervous. I have no idea where this nervousness stemmed from. I am not usually nervous to sing with our choir, I love singing with the choir. But during these past rehearsals I began wondering if I were good enough. I loathe this anxiety of mine. Loathe it. That is where this nervousness stems from. Once we started singing in front of the church the nervousness went away and I truly enjoyed singing His praises. Singing to our Lord. Singing with my choir family. And I remembered how blessed I feel to be a part of this ministry and to be able to worship Him, like this.
Recently I’ve been wondering why I doubt myself so. There are times that I wonder if I’m Christian “enough”, but I don’t have an answer for what would make me *more* Christian. Reading the Bible more? Praying more? Witnessing to strangers? Believing more (if that is possible)? No, I don’t think those are the answers either. But regardless I feel like there is more I should be doing and I pray consistently for guidance and discernment to know that the path I will be set on will be His path and not any other’s.
These are my thoughts. I’m not looking for advice or to be analyzed. I’m putting this out there as perhaps I’m not alone in my thoughts. I can’t be the only one wondering if there’s more I should be doing for our God. And what exactly might that be? What if I suddenly get an epiphany of direction, will I follow it? I like to think that yes I will follow His lead because after all His plan is the only one that would be perfect regardless of my or anyone’s thoughts on the matter. There are days I feel on the precipice of change. And I get nervous. Yes, that nervousness again. However nervous I may feel I do trust him and I know His way will be the perfect way.
Check off one more thing I never thought I’d be doing, filling out paperwork to become our son’s legal guardian. Thomas turns 18 this year. I dislike dealing with this stuff even though I know it has to be done to protect him. The fact that he is going to be 18 years old is enough to blow my mind all by itself.
This isn’t a poor me/pity post. I’m in awe of where the years went. When I was in the thick of fits and tantrums and running from doctor to specialist trying to get help time seemed so slow…it dragged to be honest. I remember the first time we had an “official” diagnosis, Thomas was just about 6 years old. How the heck did I get through 6 years of no answers? Somehow I did it.
Now today I look at the papers for legal guardianship and I’m amazed that we all made it through the past 18 years. I know I couldn’t have made it through the past 5 years or so without God in my life. His hand is on our lives and for that I’m so very grateful. Without The Lord I know Thomas wouldn’t have been admitted to the school he attends now. The fit is so right. Things don’t just “work out” that way without His control being asserted. His path and way cannot be denied.
I know when I stop procrastinating and really sit down with my husband and fill out the guardianship papers we will need help and guidance and I know we’ll get what we need.
Lately I find myself reminiscing about how I used to be. Some of it is the “me” pre-depression, I think I was pretty happy all in all. In the middle of all that I’ve been changed by the Lord. Changed in that I don’t like to do certain things, some I never liked at all but would indulge here and there so as to not be a spoil sport. But last night was kind of a turning point. My husband and I met old friends for dinner which was great, we hadn’t seen this couple socially in years and it was nice to get together. After dinner, Tommy and I agreed to go to a sports bar to see another old friend’s band play. I thought if would be fine but honestly it wasn’t. Let me just pre face this by saying in the past 10 + years I have not been one to go to bars. I prefer to go out to dinner with friends and talk normally like human beings, not scream in each other’s ears over the mayhem and loud music of a bar. Same goes for loud parties. Call me old I don’t care.
So we’re at this bar and I rarely drink anymore. Mainly because of the medication I’m on but I honestly believe this was part of the Lord’s plan as well. You couldn’t talk to anyone without yelling in their ear plus the place was very crowded. That part is a plus for our friend’s band. The band was great, loud but great, they all had a wonderful time playing together and they sounded awesome. But…this is not for me and I knew it when I agreed to go. I found myself wondering when this happened. That I would be at a bar pretty unhappy to be there watching everyone drink around me at times reminiscing to when I was ok with it. When I would have a few drinks and chat, make small talk have a few laughs. Really try and have a good time and I would have a good time. But last night I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t drink for fear of the alcohol making me want to go to sleep, I wouldn’t make small talk because it was just too difficult over all the noise. I felt so changed, so very different from everyone around me. I kept thinking of how I used to be. I was different. My comfort zone was different.
I’m not a “better” person these days. Just a different person. I don’t care for crowds, and being where all the people are, just give me a table for two and we’re cool. I might have one drink. But these days I find it’s hit or miss if I enjoy that drink or the way it makes me feel.
I felt so very changed last night.