Lately I find myself reminiscing about how I used to be. Some of it is the “me” pre-depression, I think I was pretty happy all in all. In the middle of all that I’ve been changed by the Lord. Changed in that I don’t like to do certain things, some I never liked at all but would indulge here and there so as to not be a spoil sport. But last night was kind of a turning point. My husband and I met old friends for dinner which was great, we hadn’t seen this couple socially in years and it was nice to get together. After dinner, Tommy and I agreed to go to a sports bar to see another old friend’s band play. I thought if would be fine but honestly it wasn’t. Let me just pre face this by saying in the past 10 + years I have not been one to go to bars. I prefer to go out to dinner with friends and talk normally like human beings, not scream in each other’s ears over the mayhem and loud music of a bar. Same goes for loud parties. Call me old I don’t care.
So we’re at this bar and I rarely drink anymore. Mainly because of the medication I’m on but I honestly believe this was part of the Lord’s plan as well. You couldn’t talk to anyone without yelling in their ear plus the place was very crowded. That part is a plus for our friend’s band. The band was great, loud but great, they all had a wonderful time playing together and they sounded awesome. But…this is not for me and I knew it when I agreed to go. I found myself wondering when this happened. That I would be at a bar pretty unhappy to be there watching everyone drink around me at times reminiscing to when I was ok with it. When I would have a few drinks and chat, make small talk have a few laughs. Really try and have a good time and I would have a good time. But last night I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t drink for fear of the alcohol making me want to go to sleep, I wouldn’t make small talk because it was just too difficult over all the noise. I felt so changed, so very different from everyone around me. I kept thinking of how I used to be. I was different. My comfort zone was different.
I’m not a “better” person these days. Just a different person. I don’t care for crowds, and being where all the people are, just give me a table for two and we’re cool. I might have one drink. But these days I find it’s hit or miss if I enjoy that drink or the way it makes me feel.
I felt so very changed last night.