I haven’t blogged in a while mainly because I haven’t had much to say. I’ve been discouraged and disconnected. Discouraged because my job hunting (along with many others) has been fruitless. Disconnected and not feeling a part of my life, like it’s just going on without me.
Today I’m relieved to admit I no longer feel discouraged or disconnected. No, I haven’t found a job but it’s ok. I’ve stopped measuring my worth as “less than” because I’m still at home. I’m where God wants me to be right now and no amount of temper tantrums will change that unless it’s what He wants. I’m still actively job searching but no longer discouraged. When the right job comes along and I know it will, everything will fall into place. It’s just taking a lot longer than I had hoped. But it’s not my plan anyway.
As for feeling disconnected, I didn’t even realize I was disconnected until Tommy pointed it out to me. I thought I was “ok” not realizing I am missing out on my little world. I wasn’t really enjoying anything either, even thrift shopping believe it or not was not working it’s usual magic. When you do get disconnected it’s not pleasant and you distance yourself from everything and anything. Hence me not blogging. (This isn’t to say any time I don’t blog I’m feeling that way, sometimes I really don’t have much to say) I realize (now) this is part of a defense mechanism I have from dealing with the trauma of Thomas being aggressive with me. I feel like “still??” This is still freaking affecting me? My gosh seriously? But yes it is. I guess there is no expiration date in dealing with things that are traumatic in your life.
Speaking of Thomas, he will be home this weekend for Mother’s Day. I’m glad he’ll be here and he’s really looking forward to coming home.