With yesterday being the last full day of school for Samantha, Alyssa and I decided to take advantage and we headed to Manhattan to thrift shop. The thrift scene around here has dried up with me personally not finding the former awesome finds I’d become accustomed to. Just a bunch of department store clothing. Not thrilling, IMO anyway.
So we took the ferry across to the city and promptly caught the uptown 1 train. On the subway we were then serenaded by 2 older gentlemen, one was a former member of The Drifters we were told. After the singing we transferred to the number 2 express train which got us uptown in no time! Alyssa being a typical 15yr old talked my ear off the whole time. I’m not complaining I enjoyed it, I loved hearing her unfiltered point of view regarding just about everything important in her life. We got off at 96th St. and Broadway to hit the Salvation Army there. Yes we went that far uptown :). I love this store, you seriously never know what you’re going to find. Sometimes you hit it big other times…not so big. Like I’ve walked out of there empty handed with a heavy heart but that’s the thrill of the thrift, the hunt!
This time both Alyssa and I both scored. She found the coolest pair of “genie pants” (think more attractive MC Hammer pants) that are apparently very in style right now. The pants looked brands new and were from TopShop which can be quite spendy in price. Alyssa also found the cutest sundress perfect for summer. But then again she is 15 and what wouldn’t look cute on her? I scored with True Religion denim that fit perfectly (squeal!), a zip around Kate Spade wallet and awesome cotton/linen J Crew pants. I heart J Crew when I score it at the thrift.
After about an hour or so we called it quits to get home early as Alyssa was getting together with friends and I wanted to have lunch before picking up Samantha. We caught the express train downtown and were all set to transfer to the 1 to the ferry terminal when the conductor made an announcement that the service to the ferry via the 1 train was interrupted and gave instructions to catch another train. Alyssa and I exited on Fulton street and oh my goodness we had NO idea where to go which way was the ferry?? After a couple of false starts I spied 2 building security guards on a corner and asked them how to get to the ferry. They were nice enough to give us directions and off we went! I’d say we walked about 10 blocks, far enough IMO.
I’d say our day was a fun thrifting success and more importantly I had a great time with my daughter.
Just passing time, ticking off events as they happen, waiting for the next meeting, appointment, upcoming event. That’s how I see my life lately. I want to stop and be in the moment. Almost freeze time so I can savor the experience. My son is turning 18 in a few weeks and it blows my mind~literally. Blows it. Being “Thomas” there is no big deal high school graduation (special ed educates until he turns 21) and I’m ok with that. Yes it stings to see other young men his age celebrating and moving on to the next chapters of their lives but it is what it is and Thomas is who he is. I don’t want to go back in time to when he was younger, no thank you I did it once and that was enough. However lately I do wish to slow time down just a bit so I can enjoy his short home visits, enjoy watching him order his own meal in a restaurant and ask that his drink be refilled. Things that are taken for granted when your child is typical. Not so much when special needs is the case. Tommy and I were quite proud of him tonight at dinner when Thomas stepped into that independent role. He did it naturally and without missing a beat. Those moments I’d love to slow down and not feel as if they just flew by.
I’ve watched my older girls mature in an alarmingly fast rate of speed. My Alyssa will be 16 a week after Thomas turns 18. I enjoy her and Daniella (13yrs old) in that they are not babies any more. I enjoy the freedom that is relatively still new to me that I can leave them alone in the house if I need to run to the store or run a few errands. Besides they would rather not come along with me anyhow. And that’s ok. This is when I want to slow down time. Because I feel as if adult hood is so fast around the corner it will make my head spin.
I still have Samantha who is almost 8 years old. My last, my “baby”, but there’s no way this child is a baby by any means. She’s simply the youngest and I do enjoy her. I enjoy really taking in watching her grow. I have the time to do that with her because she is the youngest. Plus with Thomas in residential school my attention isn’t split between him and the girls.
I think I need to stop passing time and just go with the passing of time and enjoy that for now.
I’ve not hidden the fact that I am a Christian, that I pray, and that I have been diagnosed with depression. Sometimes I feel like all three of those things are what define me lately. I think about our Lord constantly wondering what His plans are, every day praying for direction and guidance. I pray for Him to take away the depression, just literally take it away and since that’s not happening soon enough for me, I also thank The Lord for placing me in the hands of wonderful professionals who know how to treat me. I thank Him for the knowledgeable and warm doctor and therapist I am in the care of. I heard on the radio today, “pray hardest when it’s hardest to pray”. Wow. What a statement. I felt like this was directly talking to me because when the depression rears its ugly head I find it hardest to pray. I find it hardest to believe He is with me. I know in my heart He has not left me and God never will leave me but in those times of “grayness” and confusion I do pray when it’s hardest to pray and sure enough the fog lifts and I again feel secure in the love of my Lord. And I’m so glad I did pray. Sometimes all I do is praise Him and thank Him for the many blessings He has given me. Many times just doing that; thanking and praising is enough to kick start some serious prayer session and I’m so glad I did that.
I saw my doctor yesterday. I let the depression carry on while I tried to fight it while refusing to call my doctor. Finally I just grew tired. Tired of feeling as if life is just passing me by while I mark off time. God placed this warm, extremely competent and caring physician in my path, I am a fool to not take advantage of that. I learned recently it can take a somewhat long time to recover from depression and trauma. Interesting, in my opinion anyway. I seriously thought I would take some meds, get some therapy and be on my happy way. Wrong. I never in a million years thought I’d still be in this battle. It is a battle and I’m fortunate that God is with me. I pray when it’s hardest to pray and He hears me.
Last week I was on the subway and there was an obviously homeless man sprawled out sleeping on the seats across from me. He was very disheveled, dirty and his hair was all over the place, like it hadn’t been cut or groomed since who knows when. Being the people watcher that I am I found this man fascinating. Every now and then he would half awake and mimic in a high pitched voice the subway conductor who would warn, “Stay clear of the closing doors” between each stop. I couldn’t stop staring at him all the while thinking of what Jesus taught that what we do to the least of them, we also do for him. I will admit the homeless man scared me. I was afraid he would catch me staring at him when he opened his eyes now and then. I kept thinking, “Was I supposed to do something” for him as a Christian? Where’s the rule book? I didn’t do anything except stare and watch him wondering about his life. He wasn’t asking for money or food, he was merely sleeping on the crowded subway. Was he ok with being homeless, was he mentally ill? The thought that he may be mentally ill made me sad. This man was somebody’s son maybe brother.
I’m not proud that I was afraid of him. But the whole subway ride I kept thinking of Jesus and what He would have done which was a heck of a lot more than I did. I was wondering because I call myself a Christian am I really talking the talk and walking the walk? I don’t believe it would have been a safe thing to do, to approach this man alone as a woman, but it make me think more about Jesus and what He would have done.