It’s here, summer vacation; the kids are off from school. Part of me really enjoys the lack of a schedule, not getting up early and encouraging certain children to get ready for school on time. There’s the other part of me that misses the routine. That predictable routine. The certain number of almost guaranteed kid free hours. I will admit though I do get bored when everyone is in school, I’m currently searching for a part time job (with no success) to get me out of this house when everyone is in school. I will also admit I’m not thrilled with my current station of stay at home mom. Honestly at this point in time it is not something I would recommend anyone to do. Stay home that is. The loss of identity is overwhelming. I think that is one of my issues right now. I know I’m a wife, a mom of 4 and a Christian; in no particular order. Those are the big 3 identities I can think of right now and all put together they just don’t seem “enough”. As I’ve written before I envy those moms who are at home like me who seem to have it all together.
With Thomas not living here my identity did a major shift. I’m still his mother but I’m also not “Thomas’ mother” the way I was when he lived home. When he entered residential school I gave him to them with a heavy heart. I still mourn that loss of identity. It was like the rug was taken from under me. I wouldn’t change our decision of residential school, it was absolutely the best for Thomas and our family. And two years later it still remains the best decision.
I want a magic ball, the one where you can look into the future and see what path God has put us on and how it all plays out. Which leads to the identity of being a Christian. I firmly believe He makes all things work together for our good. But where’s the script? I know I’m being silly in wanting these things but I know I can’t be alone in wanting to know am I on the road He wants me on? Have I strayed from His path and not known it? I want to please the Lord but have insecurities where there should be none. His grace is sufficient and there should be no “buts”. His way is perfect, I just need to remind myself of that. And if I have strayed He will find a way to lead me back on track. That’s where faith comes in. Faith that God will always be with us and believing and knowing with all your heart that His way is the best way.