Fighting

Do you ever feel like you’re just fighting God?  I do. I feel this way a lot lately. I like my job but I don’t love it.  I want to love what I do, don’t we all? Perhaps that will come with time so I need to be patient. This job had everything on my checklist; part time, in Manhattan, in an office. So I shouldn’t be complaining but I am. I also believe God had a hand in me even getting this job as I know He holds our lives in His hands. I should be grateful since I have been job hunting for the past 9 months or so with no results. I believe He wants me to be where I am yet I feel as though I’m fighting Him the whole way.

I don’t believe in coincidences. God orchestrates and places us exactly where He wants us at all times. I did not fight Him when it came time to have Thomas live at a residential school. I did not fight when the perfect school was literally thrown in our laps with as an added bonus; awesome staffing. But here I am fighting Him over a job. I feel it in my gut, the fight, the inner tantrum we all have when things aren’t as we want them or envisioned them to be. I feel as though I’m a child pouting and stomping over not getting her way.

Why do we/I fight God so much? I find it so difficult to surrender to Him. Even though He will never leave me and His way is always ultimately the best, I’m choosing instead to fight Him. I want to surrender, I want to be obedient but…there’s that spoiled child kicking and having a tantrum. I’m tired of fighting.

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