I was wondering what I have to blog about to get a lot of traffic. Part of me doesn’t care all that much since I mainly blog for myself and share with everyone what I’m thinking about at that moment. But… there’s another part of me that wonders what it is like to be a popular blogger with a ton of readers. I don’t blog about anything controversial or obnoxious. I do blog about my life and my relationship with God. I also write about how life was like when I was depressed (clinically depressed not just a sad mood).
I find myself holding back many times. Whether it be to protect myself or the feelings of others. There is so much about my depression especially the very dark times I haven’t written about. I wonder who I am protecting? Myself; my family? I read some bloggers who have total transparency and I am envious of them. Envious of the ability to be so very open and raw.
For example I never wrote about how deeply I was depressed. It was a very dark time in my life and to be perfectly honest I really felt the world would be better off without me. The only thing that kept me hanging on was my husband and my girls. I wasn’t worried about Thomas as he was the catalyst to my depression. One afternoon I was driving the 2 hours to visit Thomas in the psychiatric hospital and I was listening to a Christian satellite radio station. The station was called “Family Talk” or something like that on Syrus. Every half hour they would play a sermon from well known pastors. I remember David Jeremiah was one of them. Anyway, this particular afternoon during this dark time in my life; the Pastor (who’s name I don’t remember) spoke about suicide. This was definitely from God as no one on this earth knew how I was feeling. This pastor didn’t condemn people and say you were going to hell if you harmed yourself. Instead he spoke of the beauty of oursleves and how our bodies were gifts from God and why would anyone want to hurt God’s gift? I’ll never forget that day or that Pastor because he saved my life. I remember the highway I was driving on and that it was a sunny day. I’m so very thankful to that nameless Pastor and thankful I have a God who cares enough about me to put me and that Pastor together one afternoon.
I’m no longer in that place praise God and new meds. I’m pretty happy with my life right now but that dark time is not something you ever forget. And you have an all new insight and empathy for others going through the same thing. When you hear of someone who did in fact take their own life you understand the pain and despair and I personally thank God for taking me out of that place.