Yesterday I had a few reminders of my dad. And they made me cry. I heard a few songs on the Christian radio stations I listen to, one particular song, “Even If” by the band Mercy Me.
Essentially the song is about God still being good and worshiping Him even if He doesn’t answer our prayers the way we want Him to. I am not angry at God because daddy died. In fact I personally saw God at work when daddy was home for his last days on this earth. There was a hospice nurse who was absolutely sent by The Lord. And the fact that daddy spent his last breath here on earth in the company of his true love, my mom; could only have been orchestrated by the Great I Am.
I had to go to my mom’s house last night to pick up a wheelchair to use for my mother in law on Easter Sunday. It was difficult to be in the house without my dad there. I sat in his chair at the kitchen table while Samantha, my mom and I chatted for a while. I half expected to see daddy walk into the kitchen with his walker, or see him sitting on the couch in “his seat”.
This isn’t to say I won’t go to my mom’s house anymore or limit the number of visits I make, on the contrary. I’ll pribably go more. All I could think of on the drive home was if this was difficult for me how incredibly more difficult was it for my mother and brother (who lives there also) to be in the house with constant reminders at every turn, every opening of the cabinet to get a coffee cup every time my mother goes to bed alone and wakes up alone, we’ll aside from her dog Daisy.
Speaking of dogs I was thinking of how great daddy was with animals especially dogs. He also got a kick out of my weirdo cat, Smokey who struts around my house like he owns the place. Daddy had many dogs in the course of his life. We heard quite often about a German Shepherd named “Speed” that my parents owned before I was born. I don’t believe Speed was the most family friendly dog. Living at the garage where daddy worked was an incredible Shepherd names CB. What a great dog and I know this was part temperament and part influence of daddy. At home we had 3 dogs at one point. I was late in my teen years, early 20’s. We had Ace an unpopular lab mix who would bark and bark and steal food like nobodies business. There was Snowy a white shepherd mix who was just the sweetest and most gentle soul of a dog and finally Barney. Barney was supposed to go live at the garage where daddy worked. But he never left our home. Barney was part chow we think. Barney had a funny disposition, he had a look about him that you weren’t sure if he liked you or not. Daddy always said Barney’s eyes were too close together. That always made me laugh but it was true! Anyone who knew me back in the day knows each of those dogs and their distinct personalities. They’ll also remember daddy sitting on the couch in his seat many times without a shirt on. Somehow daddy was referenced to Jack Nicholson in The Shining”. That would make my sister and I laugh. Because daddy was a gentle Dad who was nothing but welcoming to our friends who came to our house.
Its funny what gets to some family members and what doesn’t. On Friday I had to drive Tommy’s pick up truck to work. It’s a bit bigger than my SUV and all I heard was my father’s voice saying, “Just drive it…” Daddy was a riot when it came to us driving different vehicles than our own. “Just drive it…” was his advice. And it worked!
I miss daddy. And I wonder when I’ll be able to write about him without crying.