I have this song running through my head this morning, Blessings by Laura Story. Yesterday my husband and I were talking to a neighbor who also has a special needs daughter. Many of you know about our Thomas who is also special needs. We’ve been through many, many trials with Thomas. And everytime I hear this song I think of him. What if our greatest trial is God’s blessing in disguise?
Anyway, when we were speaking with our neighbor she mentioned that she often wonders what her daughter would have been like had things been different. My husband replied that he often thinks the same thing about Thomas. I do think that also about Thomas. The big “what if?” What if he’d been born “normal”?. What if? It almost makes you loathe the word, “if”. That word can hold so much. Thomas is one of the greatest achings of my life. It still pains me that he cannot live at home. I know my husband feels the same. I love Thomas for who he is now, not what he could have been. Thomas being the way he is changed me as a mother. And if I were to be able to change him to a “normal” person, would I then have to change myself to how I was before he was in my life?
I honestly don’t dwell on the what ifs because it is pointless. I tend to focus on the present and future which can hold enough worry all by themselves. But this song speaks so perfectly to my heart. Especially when she sings, “This is not our home…” No, this is not our home. I often wonder if when I do meet our Lord will I ask Him questions about my earthly life. Thomas being in the forefront of those queries. Why were we chosen to be his parents? Why did God make things so challenging? Why the heartache? Or will I even care at that point? What I do believe is that when Thomas meets the Lord and joins us, I believe he will tell us himself. It will be glorious to hear my son talk clearly and coherently. I was given a glimpse of this in a dream I had a couple of years ago. Thomas was just a typical teen and him, Alyssa and I were just sitting in our front sun porch talking to one another. I have no idea what we were talking about I just remember Thomas being “normal”. I know when we’re all in heaven together we’ll all talk again. God gave me a preview.
Now that our youngest child is approaching 8yrs of age, I find myself wondering where do I fit in now? When everybody was younger and Thomas was living home it was easy to define my role. I was/am The Mom. The Stay at Home Mom. Overseer of all my children. Taking care of everything for everybody. Now that the girls are older and Thomas isn’t living at home anymore I find myself in a state of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m tired of cleaning ~ I used to clean like nobody’s business trying to keep up with these stupid standards I had in my head, but now I don’t have those standards anymore and I just keep everything nice. However these days we’re in the middle of a kitchen ceiling renovation so things aren’t as “nice” as I’d like them to be. So getting back to fitting in, I feel like an anomaly of sorts. I do know other SAHM’s who are at or around my age and I have this thought in my head that I’m the only one having a hard time that I’m still home, wondering where I fit in. I should ask them how they feel, but I think there’s a part of me that’s afraid they are going to say how happy and fulfilled they are staying home and meanwhile I am not.
Then I tell myself that I’m exactly where God wants me right now and I just need to let go of my anxieties concerning this and know that He has a plan. I’ve been applying to jobs for months now and I haven’t heard boo from any of them. Right there that should tell me I’m supposed to be home right now. I just don’t want to be. I wonder how women did this stay at home thing many years ago, it wasn’t expected that they return to work after the kids went to school. They just stayed home. I guess they had many hobbies or something.
With everyone getting older I’m not needed as much. I know they still need me, heck I still need my mother at times. But there are more times that they are so independent of me I’m left wondering what to do? And as whiney as I may sound don’t be mistaken I don’t even miss the days that everyone was small and totally needed me. No, I don’t miss that at all. In fact I cringe when I see some mother at the mall or grocery store and she’s trying to shop with all these small kids around, or the mom in the school yard trying to keep an eye on everyone after school. No thank you.
Maybe I need a happy medium? I just need to find that. Or a job.
My thoughts that is, they’re wandering as most of us would probably admit to. I wander mostly to what life would be like if I worked a full time job outside the house. Would things be that hectic? Would it alleviate my boredom? Hard to say and/or predict. Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful my husband has been able to provide for us that I have been able to stay home but dang man, this staying at home mom thing seems to get more difficult as the kids get older. In my personal experience, I find that I’m taken for granted. My girls *know* when I’m home and that they can call to come home from school (this past time my daughter was NOT all that ill that she had to come home, I only discovered this only after I picked her up). Another daughter asked to be picked up because she was not feeling well but well enough to attend some classes but not well enough to take the bus home~again information I discovered after I did the driving and picking up of said daughter.
I know my husband appreciates me as I appreciate him. I don’t want either one of us to take each other for granted and so far we’ve been “ok” in that category. My kids on the other hand…after last weeks picking up – a- pa-looza. I made the decision that just because I am “home” doesn’t mean I have to pick everyone up just because they want me to. I think when you stay at home long enough you start to feel “well that’s what I’m here for”, but honestly no it’s not. I’m here at this time in everyone’s life to ensure the house runs smoothly, not to pick up kids that aren’t even sick (like really sick you all know what I mean).
So as a result of being taken for granted my thoughts wander. Wander about working full time, part time, any time that wouldn’t take away from when I have to be here. Not an easy schedule to work around but those are my requirements. I won’t make excuses for why I’m still home. Things with Thomas kept me here at this station longer than I thought I would be.
So now my thoughts wander and I wonder what’s next?
I changed the look of my blog, time to shake things up a bit I guess. If you know me you understand that I get bored and need a change every now and then. Until recently it was my hair color. I’ve probably tried every shade of warm to ultralight blonde to reds and auburns that is available at your local drug store (I color my own hair). The past 3 yrs or so I’ve been a reddish brown and I believe that is the color my hair is staying…for now. I contemplated going back to blonde but decided against it. IMO it’s too much work and upkeep.
Things I think I would like to do but don’t are baking and trying new recipes. I let myself think baking is too much work so I get overwhelmed and I usually get intimidated by new recipes, especially if it involves spices I’m not familiar with. But once I try something even if it doesn’t come out right I’m kind of proud for trying.
When all my kids were small I was notorious for moving furniture around. Tommy never knew what he would walk into when he came home from work. Living room furniture, bedroom furniture, no room was safe :).
I recently got a new tattoo on my foot, that was to shake things up and when I turned 40 I had my nose pierced. I have no idea what turning 50 will bring, I’ll stay in my denial for a few more years.
I would like to hear what “you” do to shake things up when life gets mundane. Please nothing above rated PG. Either reply here or on my FB page. Come on…