Weight gain

I’m the heaviest right now than I’ve ever been in my life aside from being pregnant. I loathe it; seriously. I tried Weight Watchers and managed to lose 10 pounds but then fell off the wagon around Easter and I’ve had a very difficult time going back to counting points and wondering if I was over my point allowance, did I use up all my “extra” points for the week? I was inspired to try Weight Watchers from my cousin Toni who was and still is doing great on the program. I’m back to being inspired by her and back to following the program. Hopefully I’ll keep it up and lose more weight. I’ve always been on the thin side. I know smoking did help with keeping my weight in check. I’m not advocating smoking cigarettes as a weight loss aide but whether it be the nicotine or any of the other (God knows how many) chemicals in cigarettes there’s something there that keeps your appetite from being out of control.

My husband is wonderful and has never mentioned my weight gain,  he tells me not to worry. I think he’s concerned that I may stop taking the anti depressant that caused the weight gain. I won’t do that, it took me long enough to find the right combo of meds to make me not be depressed. I would not want to start over again. If I have to choose being happy and overweight/thin and depressed I’ll chose happy and overweight. I can’t tell you what it took to admit that and even type it out. I really don’t enjoy shopping for clothes anymore. Don’t get me wrong I still do my thrift shopping gig but I get a bigger kick out of shoes and bags more than ever before. There’s no judgement or “fit” for shoes and bags. The right shoe or bag can elevate anything you’re wearing and just make you feel fabulous.

I’ve also ventured into the love of watches. Don’t ask I don’t know where that one came from. I’m thinking much like shoes and bags; with wearing a watch it really doesn’t matter what size you are. Finding watches while thrifting is not easy, there are people who thrift or yard sale shop specifically for watches. I’ve managed to find a couple of nice ones but nothing much to write home about.

So here’s to being back on Weight Watchers and keeping track of points and staying within the lines of their rules.

The Big City

I never thought I would enjoy going to Manhattan as much as I do.  I’m sure that was part of God’s plan as well, to get me in a different atmosphere to deal with what was going on.  I know most people will say I only enjoy it so much because I don’t do that commute everyday and I’d agree.  I really like the ferry and believe it or not the subway too.  Most people aren’t looking to chat and nobody bats an eye if you read, write, close your eyes, whatever…on the ferry or subway. If someone is chatty I’m usually more than happy to chat as well. People are interesting, I’ve met an English couple who came over on the QE2, I met a young woman from Mexico who was in NY visiting her boyfriend, she traveled alone and I was so surprised! I met a couple from Canada, Toronto I think. They drove here in their motor home. The husband had a therapy dog but I didn’t ask why.

I also tourist/people watch. It’s funny because I’d say 8 out of 10 times you can tell who is not from here. It’s hard to explain and put your finger on it but I know most native New Yorkers will agree. I find it so funny when I lose my bearings in the City and I’m looking around for a landmark, the first thing I think is, “Oh my gosh I look like a tourist”. And I laugh at myself. It’s not a bad thing it’s just funny because no one wants to look out of place.

I enjoy the solitude when I go by myself. Yes, in one of the biggest cities in the world with all those freaking people I enjoy the solitude. Almost everyone has someplace to be and they need to get there, so just walk with your head up and watch where you’re going.

Some people will drive into the city from the outer boroughs. I used to do that years ago when I first started taking Thomas to see Dr.F. After a while I grew tired of paying the high tolls and high parking fees and started taking public transportation with him. When he was doing well we used to have fun going together. I taught him to “hold on” if we had to stand on a crowded subway and we would take pictures of ourselves with my cell phone. After his appointment I would love to walk over to the Anthropologie store a few blocks away. Thomas was great and loved it when I bought something. He is the best in enabling a shopper 😉

Now that I’m learning about the locations of new to me thrift stores I enjoy the city even more. I get a kick out of becoming a regular in the thrift and the staff says hello. I don’t think I could live in Manhattan though, I like where I live and I like being a New Yorker. I consider my trips to Manhattan a mini getaway after my appointment.

The thrift and the big city

Last week I had a couple of appointments back to back so I wasn’t on my regularly scheduled thrift escapade.  I’m in Manhattan twice a week now.  I’ve been trying to shake up my routine a bit.  I did mention I found a new to me Goodwill store uptown.  Honestly I prefer the Salvation army.  Believe it or not I find Goodwill pricey as far as thrift stores go.  Salvation Army …good gravy you can find some treasures there!  Well I do anyway 😉

And just to shamelessly plug my business (www.nayaudo.com),  if there’s anything/clothing or shoe wise anyone wants me to keep an eye out for, you can contact me through my website.

I absolutely love going to Manhattan. I love the anonymity, I love to people watch, I just love New York! It’s funny how different areas of the city have their own vibes. These are just my opinions and observations but the upper west side is a bit different with people walking around in work out wear like they have nothing else to do that day and there’s a ton of nannies pushing strollers, oh my gosh! I really like it up there as it’s not nearly as crazy and busy as say Times Square for comparison. It’s almost like “Manhattan Lite” There’s an awesome Salvation Army up there that I’m a “regular” at.

In Chelsea it’s a younger vibe on the street. I feel out of place honestly. I walk with my head up and all but I don’t think I could work in that area or be there on a regular basis. It’s much busier than the upper west side with a lot of cool shops and supermarkets. There’s a really nice Goodwill where I frequent :).

Downtown, so busy with the hustle and bustle of all the businesses and Wall Street and all the men in suits and the women dressed so nice. And mixed in are the tourists, some trying to figure out how to get to the ferry that takes them to the Statue of Liberty. I’m clueless on how to get there, I think we went there on a class trip when I was like 10 yrs old or something. Anyway I’ve met a lot of incredibly nice and interesting tourists. Downtown during the day is a nice place to people watch. Plus shopping, there’s Century 21 and DSW. I haven’t found any thrift stores yet downtown. To be honest I haven’t looked all that hard. There has to be at least one!

I pray on the ferry. I also pray on the subway. When I’m alone on those two modes of transportation I enjoy the solace and escape. Sometimes I open my eyes and I’m surprised at where I am. It doesn’t matter how deep in prayer I think I am. God knows. He knows our hearts.

Optimism

Sooooooo I’ve seen my therapist and doctor and I’m back to feeling happy :).  I’m glad to have nipped things in the bud and be able to return to my regularly scheduled programming of thrifting.  Today I scored a gorgeous pair of Antik denim and on Tuesday…Tuesday I found a pair of True Religions!!!   Eeeeeek  :). Forgive me for repeating about the True’s I’ve been on a hunt for those for a long time. I’ve already skinnied those jeans that needed skinny -ing.  Have I mentioned that I sew?   I do for those not in the know.   

My son is coming home this weekend. I’m very happy about that. I’m also very happy that our relationship has been repaired. I’m not afraid of him anymore and when Thomas calls here from school he’s happy to talk on the phone with me and tell me about his day. True to Thomas form he will readily admit if he had a “bad day” and what his actions were to make it bad. Gotta love him for the honesty. He’s been that honest since he was small.

I’m sitting here happy that I have nothing to report depression wise. But as a result I’m not sure what to write about. Why does it seem easier to write about sad subjects than happy ones? When I was writing out my story of Thomas the words flew out my fingers while typing. I’d kept them pent up for too long. Now it’s like a weight has been lifted and I can look forward with optimism. I’m even debating going blonde again, but then again maybe I won’t. I’m fickle like that, always have been.

I’m feeling more optimistic about my business (www.nayaudo.com). Maybe I’m not supposed to be at the place yet where it takes off. I need to remember that I am not in charge here, God is and He has His own plan and His own timing.

Figuring things out

I was thinking this morning about how amazing it is that you form friendships with people and you never know where that relationship will take you or how long it will last.  One example is my friend Jackie.  Jackie and I met 11 years ago online on a forum for children/adolescents diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Her son was already diagnosed, my son newly diagnosed.   There were many friendships that developed from that forum, many of us are in touch with each other via Facebook and the support and caring is still there.

Getting back to Jackie. I know we were meant to be friends, we were meant to find each other. Our sons were just a catalyst to enable us to meet. I live in NY, she in Wisconsin. I mean seriously? How does this happen? We are very close, there are times I’m just thinking of her and she calls and vice versa. It’s funny and I love it. She understands me and I understand her. I’m so blessed to have found a friend who lives 960 miles away yet we talk and laugh as if we lived next door. She (and all the other wonderful friends from that forum) were placed in my life purposefully by God.

Then there is John. He is the grandfather of my youngest daughter’s best friend at school. John picks up his granddaughter from school and I pick up Samantha. Last year John and I started chatting, he knows a lot of parents in the school yard and is simply a really nice person. This year John and I started chatting and realized we’re both Christians. I really enjoy the fellowship I have with him. We attend different churches but The Lord is The Lord. Since I’ve recently been having a tough time with the depression I’m a bit quiet during our chats. But you know what, that’s ok as John, unbeknownst to him is ministering to me. He is guided by the Holy Spirit and the way he speaks of the greatness of our God makes my heart soar in praise of Him.

Moving forward

I really wasn’t sure I would be posting with this title.  Moving forward seemed so far away when I started this blog.  I didn’t even know if I would be able to write out my story. Part of me worried that in looking back would I be also able to move forward?  I did write it out and I’m proud of myself.  So now that I can even be happy I need to do something with my life.  

I’d love for my business to take off.  I have shopped for friends and it is wonderful! I truly felt as if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and everything fell into place. Part of me debated returning to school but I wonder if I’m really all that driven. It’s also not something I’ve always wanted to do. When my kids were all younger I loved going to thrift stores and yard sales but at young ages they weren’t all that cooperative. Now that everyone is in school and older with different needs than toddlers, I enjoy the freedom of this time in my life. What I don’t enjoy is the uncertainty and frustration in launching my business.

I’ve been a stay at home Mom for the better part of the past 16 years. This was a decision my husband and I made and it worked…most of the time. It wasn’t until the depression hit did I feel worthless or “less than”. I still battle those feelings. My husband’s schedule; the one we built so I can stay at home does not allow for me to work unless the kids are in school. I haven’t seen any job postings for “part time 10am to 2pm.” Another reason I wanted to start my own business, so I could work on my schedule and time.

It’s difficult to explain the feeling, the thrill of finding a treasure at the thrift. Even if it’s not my treasure, when I find something whatever it is that a client wants I have to suppress a squeal many times :). Also the process of searching, looking for that “something” is an exciting feeling. I guess it could be called the thrill of the hunt? Whatever, I love it and I love the inner peace I feel when thrifting. I am in my own space/world and very rarely do I let anyone in. I’ll take other people thrifting but only the precious few enter my space. A good friend said he couldn’t wait to read about my “zen” while shopping. Well there you have it 😉

These days

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These days I’m feeling better and dare I say happy at times? I told Nancy this and she was thrilled for me which I thought was really sweet.

The picture I posted is me at a recent festival/fair I attended to promote my business. I am a personal shopper specializing…wait for it…specializing in the thrift! Yes I am :). I have a website http://www.nayaudo.com where I have some of my current inventory. I mainly take requests of a designer or style of clothing one is searching for. If I find it at the thrift my cost is low so your (the customer) price is low as well. I’m more than happy to look for just about anything for anyone. Clothes and shoes though let’s not get carried away.

So getting back to me being happy. I don’t feel odd or euphoric I just feel like “me” and it’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. I’m not 100% and still on the quiet side and I can get lost in my thoughts and insecurities. But I’ve learned to open up a bit especially to Tommy. I take medication too, something I neverever in a million years thought I would do. Part of me felt like a hypocrite as I was terrified of meds, meanwhile my son takes meds. I’m over that now and honestly if I need meds for years or however long my doctor feels necessary I’m ok with that. Depression is effin serious man.

I had thoughts and said things when I was depressed that I couldn’t imagine thinking or saying when I’m just “me”.
Depression is real, it’s more than feeling blue and you can do something or treat yourself to snap out of it. It’s dark and scary and can be dangerous and not a place I want to revisit.

As scary as depression is asking for help can be almost equally as scary. It was for me anyway. As I waited for the elevator to see my psychiatrist the first time I wanted to throw up. I was so, so nervous. But once I was in his office and completely honest about what I was thinking and how I felt, I wasn’t afraid anymore, actually it was good to get it out to someone I knew wouldn’t judge me and wasn’t afraid of what I was saying. I have a wonderful doctor and I’m sure I’m fortunate to have found him without much searching. He is in Manhattan so I have a small commute but it is so worth it, plus there’s a Goodwill across the street. ;).

What to do with myself?

When September, 2012 came around I decided we/I needed a break from running around.  I didn’t encourage any extracurricular activities and thankfully it went unnoticed by the girls, until around November.  The thought of running here and there like I did last year was too much to even think about never mind actually do. The year before the girls had taken gymnastics and even Thomas has a class which was run by “On Your Mark” an agency that serves the developmentally disabled. I thought it was the coolest that he was in that class and so did the girls but after a few hospitalizations Thomas refused to go and no amount of pleading or cajoling would change his mind.

If Tommy was home I would take the girls and stay to watch them in the waiting room of the gym. Most times there was all this small talk and chit chat from the other parents waiting. I couldn’t talk much or participate my depression was that bad. I would look down or away at anyone who looked my way. To be honest I found most of them annoying. I mean how does one make small talk when the only thing rattling around in your brain is how useless you are? It’s a terrible state to be in. There were many times I sat there holding back tears due to the horrible things I thought about myself.

In the meantime when Alyssa and Daniella were asking me why wouldn’t I talk to anyone. I told them flat out I didn’t like the other parents and I was happy to be alone. Towards the end of the school year I did get friendly with another mother who happens to live around the corner. She is one of those people who I’d call “low maintenance”. She had no drama and pretty much kept to herself as well. Perfect.

I was seeing Dr. L and trialing different meds. Some would work for awhile and then stop working. He would up the dosage, I’d gain weight and get pissed but then the increase would kick in and I could deal with the weight gain. It was a roller coaster and not a fun one at that.

I couldn’t stay home because I would be alone with my thoughts and that wasn’t safe. I couldn’t go to the mall everyday and shop, my husband would’ve had a cow and rightfully so, getting a job was out of the question as I was barely holding it together as it was. This is where the thrift shopping comes in. I could shop or just go through racks on a mad hunt for designer items. I’m guessing I have a very serious face while thrifting. Alyssa came with me a few times and said, “oh my gosh Mom! You should see your face!” That made me laugh and it makes me smile to this day. Not many people talk to me when I’m at the thrift store.

I also became a snobby thrifter. I refused to buy anything I could “afford”. I only wanted things I would never pay retail for as the retail cost of those items are crazed. An example is denim. I would (and still do) only buy premium denim such as Citizens of Humanity, Seven For All Mankind, Madewell, etc… On my birthday I scored a Chanel top. The prices were so low it was awesome.

So there you have it my answer to getting out of the house when you are suffering from depression: Thrift store :).

Designers, familiar names and “who??”

When I started to thrift there were many designers and name brands I’d never heard of.  This is where my iphone became my new best friend.  I can’t tell you how many designers I “discovered” in the middle of the thrift store thanks to google!  Just a few that were new to me are;  AG (Adriano Goldschmied) denim, Splendid (I have a top with that name from Bergdorf Goodman, Diesel denim~I’d heard of Diesel but I had NO idea how pricey they are~wow!  To name a few more are William Rast, Jil Sander, Balenciaga, and Joy Han.  Designer names I’d never heard of.  I had no idea of the wonderful world of these clothes and handbags before I became enamoured with the thrift.  Most of the general public is familiar with Burberry, Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, etc…in fact I have a gorgeous Burberry satin skirt on my website http:www.Nayaudo.com as well as other either more “common” designers or unknown to some.  I encourage everyone to find out about a designer if you see a piece of their clothing that intrigues you.  This is not to say you should become obsessed with and/or become deep in debt to acquire said clothing or handbag, but you seriously never know what will turn up at the thrift!  I have the coolest vintage Christian Dior skirt suit found at the thrift.  I adore this suit and one day I will find the best venue to wear her and she will shine!  

Through the thift I’ve gained knowledge about vintage Coach bags.  I currently have 3 in my collection that were made in the USA, One made in NYC.  I think that is the absolute coolest ever!  Don’t get me wrong I love the newer bags I own as well, made in China but there’s something oh so special about “Made in NYC/USA”.  An era gone by.

 

As usual I encourage anyone reading who is in search of a specific designer or style of clothing, shoes, handbags, etc…to contact me.  Email, text, whatever is best for you.  If I’m selling an item and you’ve never heard of the designer/brand feel free to ask.  If you’ve seen a specific designer item but it’s not in your budget right now, let me know.  As your personal shopper I would absolutely keep my eyes open while at the thrift~you never know what will turn up!Image